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Thursday, October 25, 2018

Ever had the "What the hell am I doing" moment?

I have been having the "what the Hell am I doing" moment a lot lately. I think this is a combination of a few things. First culture shock, second being away from everyone I know, and last not really finding my niche at my job.
I think the last week I have been going through a culture shock. I have moved far away, farther away than I have ever lived before, and I am going through a bit of a shock as of late. Today I was laughed at by kids in an elementary classroom for using the wrong slang. Every girl has the short little hairs that can't go into a ponytail on their heads in Utah these are called flyaways or baby hairs. In Iowa, these are called edges, but don't get these confused with the nice edges that boys get with a haircut because a group of small children will laugh at you like you are a moron! Edges are on girls head that needs to be tamed by gel or goop, lines are nice lines cut into a guys haircut to make them look sharp, who knew? Example two, if you are in a line in class and someone cuts in front of you that is called "budging" again that is not being pushed out of line but someone is getting in front of you in line. I new one, my daughters have picked up, "mood" this is not how you feel but what you say if someone is feeling the same as you. Five months ago "You like ice-cream?" "Same!" now "You like ice-cream?" "Mood!" All of these things are defiantly a culture shock, not necessarily a bad thing. I feel like if you are taken out of your groove and feel a little uncomfortable you are probably growing and making yourself a better person. But it doesn't mean that it is comfortable. 
Being far away from everyone I know has been interesting. At first, it is sad, then it is lonely, then it is just strange, I will tell you how. Being a school teacher I am kind of infamous. Everywhere I go someone will know who I am, especially in the small town of Vernal. If I were to go on an outing to a play or my child's choir concert I would not only see people I knew but I would hear whispers of my name throughout the audience.  Little smatterings of "Look mom that is Ms. Doyle," or "That is a teacher at my school." or most often being hugged from behind by a small person that you just hug my back till they move back far enough to see their faces and recognize who they are. This last week I went to Kenya's choir concert and no-one knew me, barring my own cousin that I was able to sit next to.  It is kind of hard and a little lonely to not have "people."
Last finding my niche. This year has been so hard. Starting out at the beginning of the year it was so emotional to not have my own class. To not have my own little babies that I was in charge of, to take care of, and watch grow through the year, with test scores and encouragement. It was nearly a psychological blow in a way. This year I have been blessed to work in a school as a building sub. Although it would be my 8th year teaching I am kind of teaching by proxy. The kids still love me and hug me and want to have that expectancy from an adult that they are around but it isn't the same.  I think this has started to put a damper on my love for the art of teaching. I know I will find my way but at the moment I am struggling. 
This week on Facebook someone said to put your age as the chapter number and then put the name that you would call this chapter in your life. I named it, chapter 38 The 1200 Mile Life Change. This change has not been bad I am glad I have moved but it is also hard and puts a strain on many things in your life. I think feeling lonely is the biggest one. I am trying to find that silver lining today but the "what the hell am I doing" moment might be winning today. 

2 comments:

  1. As you know, I've lived all over the country, sometimes as a single mom and sometimes married. The challenge is real. I only ever experienced culture shock like you describe when we lived in Utah. There's such a difference from being lonely and being alone... Lonely is much scarier, harder, emotionally draining.

    It is during these times that we discover what we're really made of and how powerful we are within our own lives and communities as we strive to find our place and discover aspects of the culture we never knew. This is hard, but you are strong, and you are loved

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  2. Thanks!!! I didn't even know you commented on my post.

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